Content

Everywhere I look,
My friends are getting married.
Everywhere I turn,
Someone I know is pregnant.

My friends ask me why I always push people away.
well...
I feel like I've already met "THE ONE"
And was stupid enough to screw it up.
I feel like every relationship will subsequently end in failure
There will be NO HAPPY ENDIND for me.

maybe one day I'll get a second chance,
but if I don't,
I AM CONTENT JUST HAVING FUN!

The year of change

I find myself in front of my computer about the same time each year just reminiscing about the overall year. 2009 started off rocky and fragile, but is finally ending with a BIG BANG!

Tonight I read what I've wrote for the past 4 years!! It's amazing how dramatically my life and attitude changed over that time span. The last 2 post were a real wake up call. As I read them I couldnt help but wonder WTF was I thinking? It became crystal clear why and how things went downhill. I finally understand what my friends on the outside looking in were talking about.

John Maxwell said it best "you are where you are in life, because that is where you deserve to be.". As I look back at this past year I am saddened by the realization that the people I cared for and called friends were helping me self destruct, but I am also grateful that I finally realized there needed to be a definite change in my life and took the necessary steps to fix it. Granted I haven't reached all the goals I set up for myself this year, but atleast now I remember what they are, and I'm working my way towards it.

I feel like a better version of the old Jenny. The happier, excited about life, person I was about 3 years ago. I don't know how or when exactly that part of me died and the negative things happened but I'm glad it's over and done with. Although I can not pinpoint the exact moment that I lost myself, I do know over the past 3 years I've been trying to find my way back. It took a long time for me to see the clear picture, but I will be the first to admit I'm hardheaded and when I set my mind to do something, I WILL!!

I find that it's true. The people you associate yourself with will affect the person you become. By removing myself from the negative people, I am no longer just saying "I want to be happy" but I am genuinely happy.

So 2009 will be remembered as the year of change. The year that I hit rock bottom and had nowhere else to go but up. The year my life turned around for the better :)

With that being said I know 2010 will be my year.

George Orwell once said "All writers are vain, selfish and lazy, and at the very bottom of their motives lies a mystery. Writing a book is a long, exhausting struggle, like a long bout of some painful illness. One would never undertake such a thing if one were not driven by some demon whom one can neither resist nor understand.".

I've spent almost every weeknight of the past 2 weeks removing and revising and editing. It was tiring and frustrating but totally worth it. I feel a sense of accomplishment, that I haven't felt in a very long time. I must say It's an AWESOME feeling :) It reminds me of winning highschool games, championships, graduations, promotions, ect. I haven't felt this way since.... Well I can't even remember. Maybe there is hope and I'm not a lost cause after all.

I've been thinking about having someone read over it for some outside perspective. I could use some creative criticism. I can't imagine anyone who would actually be interested or would take the time to read it. If you happen to stumble upon my ramblings here and want to help me out please let me know and I'll send you a copy.

Finally

 

I've always loved writing but the thought of writing an actual book seemed so farfetched. I mean I don't directly know anyone who has written an actual book. But my highschool english teacher once told me "There are 26 letters in the English alphabet, and those 26 letters are what you use to make beauty, beauty not only from the mind, but from the heart."

For the past year I've been working on a manuscript that I hope to one day have published. I never intended to write it. At first it started of as letter to someone but I never had the guts to actually send it. With each passing day I continued to add bits and pieces to it. Stories or rather memories of the good times together, conversations we once shared, and the little moments and inside jokes. Slowly it transformed from a simple letter to a bittersweet broken love story.

Someone once asked me "Why do you write?" I write, so that so other people can identify with my life and the things I've been through. I write because all my other dreams have been shattered and writing is the only thing I have left. This manuscript may never get published, it may never become an actual book, but its a small dream come true. Finally I have written a script. So in the end I write because it makes me happy.

Confession

have a confession..


You've caused me to place a vest on my chest


And now I'm just playing the GAME.


I was WRONG, but you weren't RIGHT


This is gonna be the last time I will admit I still LOVE you.

I'm hopeless

Nobody understands how much I miss you,
I miss how we laughed,
And I miss all those things we used to do.
I try not to admit to myself
That I still feel this way,
Nobody knows I still wake up
Thinking of you each day,
I fight every urge to call you,
But I really do miss you.
If only you missed me too.
I would give everything I have
To be everything we're NOT..






I love the power of music.  I find it amazing that an artist can sing a song that totally explains exactly how your feeling at the exact moment. 

Sometimes I wish there was an emotional switch.  Wouldn't that come in handy?  TO be able to control ones emotions.  Life would be much simplier and drama free.  They say experience makes you stronger, but there are some exeriences I would rather just not go through.