George Orwell once said "All writers are vain, selfish and lazy, and at the very bottom of their motives lies a mystery. Writing a book is a long, exhausting struggle, like a long bout of some painful illness. One would never undertake such a thing if one were not driven by some demon whom one can neither resist nor understand.".

I've spent almost every weeknight of the past 2 weeks removing and revising and editing. It was tiring and frustrating but totally worth it. I feel a sense of accomplishment, that I haven't felt in a very long time. I must say It's an AWESOME feeling :) It reminds me of winning highschool games, championships, graduations, promotions, ect. I haven't felt this way since.... Well I can't even remember. Maybe there is hope and I'm not a lost cause after all.

I've been thinking about having someone read over it for some outside perspective. I could use some creative criticism. I can't imagine anyone who would actually be interested or would take the time to read it. If you happen to stumble upon my ramblings here and want to help me out please let me know and I'll send you a copy.

Finally

 

I've always loved writing but the thought of writing an actual book seemed so farfetched. I mean I don't directly know anyone who has written an actual book. But my highschool english teacher once told me "There are 26 letters in the English alphabet, and those 26 letters are what you use to make beauty, beauty not only from the mind, but from the heart."

For the past year I've been working on a manuscript that I hope to one day have published. I never intended to write it. At first it started of as letter to someone but I never had the guts to actually send it. With each passing day I continued to add bits and pieces to it. Stories or rather memories of the good times together, conversations we once shared, and the little moments and inside jokes. Slowly it transformed from a simple letter to a bittersweet broken love story.

Someone once asked me "Why do you write?" I write, so that so other people can identify with my life and the things I've been through. I write because all my other dreams have been shattered and writing is the only thing I have left. This manuscript may never get published, it may never become an actual book, but its a small dream come true. Finally I have written a script. So in the end I write because it makes me happy.

Confession

have a confession..


You've caused me to place a vest on my chest


And now I'm just playing the GAME.


I was WRONG, but you weren't RIGHT


This is gonna be the last time I will admit I still LOVE you.

I'm hopeless

Nobody understands how much I miss you,
I miss how we laughed,
And I miss all those things we used to do.
I try not to admit to myself
That I still feel this way,
Nobody knows I still wake up
Thinking of you each day,
I fight every urge to call you,
But I really do miss you.
If only you missed me too.
I would give everything I have
To be everything we're NOT..






I love the power of music.  I find it amazing that an artist can sing a song that totally explains exactly how your feeling at the exact moment. 

Sometimes I wish there was an emotional switch.  Wouldn't that come in handy?  TO be able to control ones emotions.  Life would be much simplier and drama free.  They say experience makes you stronger, but there are some exeriences I would rather just not go through.

Confusion

He asked me to marry him today..

I don't know what to do.

I love him, I'm just NOT in love with him.

I was a long time ago, and I keep telling myself in time I WILL again

I can't help the way I feel.

Sometimes I think I'll NEVER be satisified..

REAL friends

We meet so many different people over the years. Some we become close friends with, some not so much, and othere kind of just walk in and out of our lives without us noticng. We get attached to certain people and we share a special bond with them that is unbreakable or so we think. Over the past few days I have learned who my real friends are and who just talk the talk.

It's been a rough and complicated week, but I truely believe there was some sort of higher power in all of this weeks events. Sometimes out of anger and frustration we act irrationallly and do things in haste. We end up doing things we wouldn't do under normal circumstances. (or maybe thats just me. IDK) I have tried my best not to let the petty little things get to me, but I can only take so much. It's hard not to snap when a person is purposely pushing your buttons and getting on your last nerve and there's nothing you can do about it.

It's in times when we fuck up pretty bad and your completely lost and scared when you find out who your real friends are. The ones who really have your back no matter what, and not the ones who say they do and end up being completely useless. We all do stupid things from time to time but when you have friends who open your eyes, and hug you to let you know things will be okay, and go out of their way to help you knowing they too could get into trouble, everything will be okay.

With this said, I have come to the conclusion that maybe its just about that time to cut those other so-called friends out of my life. Why hold on to a friendship that is no longer sturdy anymore. Why invest the time or patience listening to someone who isn't willing to do the same for you?  Some may say I'm being a little irrational, but frankly, life is to short, to be wasting time on people you can't count on.