Monday, December 8, 2008
bittersweet
I started to break down. The fact that you still cared made my heart break and hurt more. I want to see you, look you in the eyes, Call you just a friend and mean it. Not love you and not cry But that will not happen unless I love you from a distance. As for now I will sit and wallowAnd deal with my regret. It will be hard but maybe my heart will go on just as your already has. And maybe someday soon just as you call me friend I too will be able to call you friend and mean it.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
temptation
Temptation where you are caught in the middle of desires I think is the hardest part. Not being able to chose is destroying my life and breaking my heart. What's wrong? What's right? What am I feeling? Is it love, is it lust, or is it something I like based only on sight? It's something you'll never know unless you share your thoughts and let what's truely inside of you begin to show. This is something I learned the hard way. I kept my feelings bottled up never saying what i thought I should say. How this hurt me I don't know where to start, but all I can say is that it ripped a huge hole in my heart. I don't want this to happen to you. Life is to short to be wasted and to sweet not to be tasted. The best advice I can give to you while you're feeling mixed emotions is follow your heart it will tell you what to do.
Monday, October 6, 2008
The Unknown
So many times in our lives we fall short. In the past year, so much in my life has changed. I believe that everyone chooses their path and sometimes, the path you want and long for, is the path we stray away from. I found myself on a whole new journey. I'm not sure exactly how I began this journey, or how it will end.
Everything in my life came crashing all to fast. One day I was on the path I had set for myself, and in a single instant, my life was altered. I do regret many things that have happened, but there is nothing I can do about it. So here I am back at square one trying to figure out what the hell to do with my life before it's to late.
I don't know what lies ahead of me, and if I am not sure about anything anymore. Afraid that in a blink of an eye I will find myself lost and alone with nowhere to go. My dreams have been shattered, because of decisions in the past. New dreams are to be made. New standard need to be placed. Maybe lower one, so I won't hate myself when I fall short again.
These are the ranting of a adult, wishing to be a kid. A teen who rushed away from the safety of her parents, head first into a world of that knocked her on her face. She drank the alcohol, did the drugs, had sex, partied like an animal, because it made here feel free. Only a child, new to the world, experiencing it all. But these things, they did not make her free, instead they trapped her. Temporary love and happiness, but she know no other way. She cant return to her old ways. Not after everything. So she finds herself deeper and deeper in this hole.
What is lies in the road ahead? The Unknown. I can only hope it gets better.
Everything in my life came crashing all to fast. One day I was on the path I had set for myself, and in a single instant, my life was altered. I do regret many things that have happened, but there is nothing I can do about it. So here I am back at square one trying to figure out what the hell to do with my life before it's to late.
I don't know what lies ahead of me, and if I am not sure about anything anymore. Afraid that in a blink of an eye I will find myself lost and alone with nowhere to go. My dreams have been shattered, because of decisions in the past. New dreams are to be made. New standard need to be placed. Maybe lower one, so I won't hate myself when I fall short again.
These are the ranting of a adult, wishing to be a kid. A teen who rushed away from the safety of her parents, head first into a world of that knocked her on her face. She drank the alcohol, did the drugs, had sex, partied like an animal, because it made here feel free. Only a child, new to the world, experiencing it all. But these things, they did not make her free, instead they trapped her. Temporary love and happiness, but she know no other way. She cant return to her old ways. Not after everything. So she finds herself deeper and deeper in this hole.
What is lies in the road ahead? The Unknown. I can only hope it gets better.
Friday, October 3, 2008
Pieces
I've know for quite awhile now that I've lost my way. I'm trying to put the pieces together, but I don't know how. I feel like I'm at the lowest point in my life with nowhere else to go but up. As I lay my head at another attempt to go go to sleep, questions fill my mind. The Insomniac has nothing better to do. I contemplate the last 3 years of my life and how I have drastically changed. (Sadly not for the better) Each day it seems my dreams are shifting, changing, and slowling drifting away. I see myself changing, becoming everything I swore I wouldn't be, and yet I can't stop myself. How the child I was would be disappointed in the adult I've become.
I have managed to screw up everything that was going well in my life, and can't seem to pick up the broken pieces. I thought I was unhappy and wanted more, but I've found myself deeper in this hole of depression with nothing. I have lost everything close to me. Who is this person I've become? Who is this Monster? All the drinking, the drugs, the partying, the sex, it's all so not like me. But they help me to ease the pain. It's better to be NUMB than to feel nothing but PAIN. Atleast it won't hurt so much.
But what do you do when you are the source of that pain for someone else. How do you stop the heart ache that you've caused? How do you make it all better? The answer is you can't. Only time will heal the pain, but even with tiime, the memories will always linger. Sometime we go chasing dreams and memories, avoiding what lies in front of us. It's a terrible day, when you wake up and realize you've Hurt the one person who saved you from all the pain you once had. The drinking, the drugs, the partying, the craziness. It's not who I used to be, but it is who I have become. I realized that I have become one of THEM. I have becom a member of the enemy. They are now my allies. They keep me happy, even if it's only temporary, because I can't keep happiness for myself, I seem to be an expert at screwing things up.
Unspoken Word
You never truely know what you have until you lose it. I have heard this so many time before, and over and over again, I ask myself Why?
Like so many, I have been hurt. To be hurt by someone you love, is the hardest of all pain to endure. Harder than anything physical. To be hurt emotionally, is to weaken the mind, the body, the soul, and the heart.
I may have lost the person most important to me than life. The hurt i have caused her, is so deep, that I myself can not phantom. To love someone so dearly, to share your life's secret, to trust, and to care only to be rejected and lied to. I never truely understood what I had, until I lost it all. Now it's to late, I'm stuck here all alone wonderng what the hell is wrong with me.
I wish you the happiness that you could never fnd with me. I wish you love that you deserve. I wish you hope in this uncertain world, but most of all I wish you the happy ending to the fairytale you seek.
I will no longer bother you about us, or what could be. I will be here as a friend, because although I am lunworthy of even that, you have opened your heart and accepted me in. I am sorry for everything. The Pain, The Heartbreak, The Deception, The Games. But I am thankful to have been loved by you. For you have taught me nevr to deny or question love again. I love you always and forever.
Like so many, I have been hurt. To be hurt by someone you love, is the hardest of all pain to endure. Harder than anything physical. To be hurt emotionally, is to weaken the mind, the body, the soul, and the heart.
I may have lost the person most important to me than life. The hurt i have caused her, is so deep, that I myself can not phantom. To love someone so dearly, to share your life's secret, to trust, and to care only to be rejected and lied to. I never truely understood what I had, until I lost it all. Now it's to late, I'm stuck here all alone wonderng what the hell is wrong with me.
I wish you the happiness that you could never fnd with me. I wish you love that you deserve. I wish you hope in this uncertain world, but most of all I wish you the happy ending to the fairytale you seek.
I will no longer bother you about us, or what could be. I will be here as a friend, because although I am lunworthy of even that, you have opened your heart and accepted me in. I am sorry for everything. The Pain, The Heartbreak, The Deception, The Games. But I am thankful to have been loved by you. For you have taught me nevr to deny or question love again. I love you always and forever.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
The American Dream
I have a dream." Martin Luther King was a man with a dream, a man that would later die for that same dream. We all have dreams. No matter how small or how large, we all have them. The American dream is a well discussed topic all over the world. It is a strange concept, defined by painting of goddesses with large books and holding telegraph wires, felt in the stirrings of the heart during the national anthem. The idea that anyone- regardless of status, race, or creed- was created equal in the eyes of God and capable of becoming successful and wealthy through hard work, God-fearness and just by being on American soil. The American Dream is a severe form of nationalism, and one that has been used as a red herring fallacy in many arguments. It is also a fantasy formation of sorts; despite crumbling urban centers, racial problems, and nuclear paranoia, advertising and other popular media images still uphold the idea of America as the land of the free.
So where do we go from here? Is the American Dream all meaningless imagery and puffery symbolism? Or is it something attainable, like money and power? Does it actually exist? If so, why does it elude so many everyday people? The American Dream is basically that upward mobility in our society is possible. A man dreams of one day having the little plot to call his own, works hard and gets it. A person can do what they want, regardless of where they start from.
Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness…" are the famous words every American hears throughout their lifetime. These words are part of America's history through the Declaration of Independence; America is the only country where the "pursuit of happiness" is actually guaranteed in writing. What exactly are the "pursuit of happiness," and the "American Dream?" As defined by most writers, such as Hemmingway, it's becoming rich young and having the opportunity and will to do what you please with your wealth. To many foreigners, the "American Dream" is just to escape poverty and retain a better life. Maybe, the "American Way" is philanthropy, making billions of dollars and giving some of it back to those who really need it. The "American Dream" is different to all people but always involves one common factor, the almighty "buck." Current times call for new techniques in gaining the "American Dream." The possibilities are endless through the World Wide Web, and the flourishing economy make it possible for anyone to make a "well to-do" living.
In America, you at least have the opportunity to do this. To me the "American Dream" is not just a dollar sign, or desk nametag, but the ability to walk into a room or a home, and know that your presence is welcomed and looked forward to. The dream is realizing that in America, we have the resources to make an honest difference. In most other countries, this is not the case. You are born into one caste or another, and there you stay for life. Japan is the perfect example. There is a very rich upper class and a very poor lower class that works itself literally to death. There is little or no mixing of the two India is the same way. And so is England, for the most part. This is why it's the AMERICAN Dream.
How does one achieve the American Dream? The answer undoubtedly depends upon one's definition of the Dream, and there are many from which to choose. Traditionally, Americans have sought to realize the American dream of success, fame and wealth through thrift and hard work. However, the industrialization of the 19th and 20th centuries began to erode the dream, replacing it with a philosophy of "get rich quick". A variety of seductive but elusive strategies have evolved, and today the three leading ways to instant wealth are large-prize television game shows, big-jackpot state lotteries and compensation lawsuits.
My American dream has been unwavering since my youth. I find it easy to think of ways to place a metaphor on the dreams of others; however, it is difficult to find one for my own. I think to me, the American Dream is like A Family tree. Feel free to branch off, and grow as an individual. Become the best branch on that tree, and bear the best fruit if you want. You can even sprout seeds and grow a larger, better tree. No matter what, your roots will always be there, in that original tree, that original root.
So where do we go from here? Is the American Dream all meaningless imagery and puffery symbolism? Or is it something attainable, like money and power? Does it actually exist? If so, why does it elude so many everyday people? The American Dream is basically that upward mobility in our society is possible. A man dreams of one day having the little plot to call his own, works hard and gets it. A person can do what they want, regardless of where they start from.
Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness…" are the famous words every American hears throughout their lifetime. These words are part of America's history through the Declaration of Independence; America is the only country where the "pursuit of happiness" is actually guaranteed in writing. What exactly are the "pursuit of happiness," and the "American Dream?" As defined by most writers, such as Hemmingway, it's becoming rich young and having the opportunity and will to do what you please with your wealth. To many foreigners, the "American Dream" is just to escape poverty and retain a better life. Maybe, the "American Way" is philanthropy, making billions of dollars and giving some of it back to those who really need it. The "American Dream" is different to all people but always involves one common factor, the almighty "buck." Current times call for new techniques in gaining the "American Dream." The possibilities are endless through the World Wide Web, and the flourishing economy make it possible for anyone to make a "well to-do" living.
In America, you at least have the opportunity to do this. To me the "American Dream" is not just a dollar sign, or desk nametag, but the ability to walk into a room or a home, and know that your presence is welcomed and looked forward to. The dream is realizing that in America, we have the resources to make an honest difference. In most other countries, this is not the case. You are born into one caste or another, and there you stay for life. Japan is the perfect example. There is a very rich upper class and a very poor lower class that works itself literally to death. There is little or no mixing of the two India is the same way. And so is England, for the most part. This is why it's the AMERICAN Dream.
How does one achieve the American Dream? The answer undoubtedly depends upon one's definition of the Dream, and there are many from which to choose. Traditionally, Americans have sought to realize the American dream of success, fame and wealth through thrift and hard work. However, the industrialization of the 19th and 20th centuries began to erode the dream, replacing it with a philosophy of "get rich quick". A variety of seductive but elusive strategies have evolved, and today the three leading ways to instant wealth are large-prize television game shows, big-jackpot state lotteries and compensation lawsuits.
My American dream has been unwavering since my youth. I find it easy to think of ways to place a metaphor on the dreams of others; however, it is difficult to find one for my own. I think to me, the American Dream is like A Family tree. Feel free to branch off, and grow as an individual. Become the best branch on that tree, and bear the best fruit if you want. You can even sprout seeds and grow a larger, better tree. No matter what, your roots will always be there, in that original tree, that original root.
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