Thursday, December 31, 2009

The year of change

I find myself in front of my computer about the same time each year just reminiscing about the overall year. 2009 started off rocky and fragile, but is finally ending with a BIG BANG!

Tonight I read what I've wrote for the past 4 years!! It's amazing how dramatically my life and attitude changed over that time span. The last 2 post were a real wake up call. As I read them I couldnt help but wonder WTF was I thinking? It became crystal clear why and how things went downhill. I finally understand what my friends on the outside looking in were talking about.

John Maxwell said it best "you are where you are in life, because that is where you deserve to be.". As I look back at this past year I am saddened by the realization that the people I cared for and called friends were helping me self destruct, but I am also grateful that I finally realized there needed to be a definite change in my life and took the necessary steps to fix it. Granted I haven't reached all the goals I set up for myself this year, but atleast now I remember what they are, and I'm working my way towards it.

I feel like a better version of the old Jenny. The happier, excited about life, person I was about 3 years ago. I don't know how or when exactly that part of me died and the negative things happened but I'm glad it's over and done with. Although I can not pinpoint the exact moment that I lost myself, I do know over the past 3 years I've been trying to find my way back. It took a long time for me to see the clear picture, but I will be the first to admit I'm hardheaded and when I set my mind to do something, I WILL!!

I find that it's true. The people you associate yourself with will affect the person you become. By removing myself from the negative people, I am no longer just saying "I want to be happy" but I am genuinely happy.

So 2009 will be remembered as the year of change. The year that I hit rock bottom and had nowhere else to go but up. The year my life turned around for the better :)

With that being said I know 2010 will be my year.

Monday, October 5, 2009

George Orwell once said "All writers are vain, selfish and lazy, and at the very bottom of their motives lies a mystery. Writing a book is a long, exhausting struggle, like a long bout of some painful illness. One would never undertake such a thing if one were not driven by some demon whom one can neither resist nor understand.".

I've spent almost every weeknight of the past 2 weeks removing and revising and editing. It was tiring and frustrating but totally worth it. I feel a sense of accomplishment, that I haven't felt in a very long time. I must say It's an AWESOME feeling :) It reminds me of winning highschool games, championships, graduations, promotions, ect. I haven't felt this way since.... Well I can't even remember. Maybe there is hope and I'm not a lost cause after all.

I've been thinking about having someone read over it for some outside perspective. I could use some creative criticism. I can't imagine anyone who would actually be interested or would take the time to read it. If you happen to stumble upon my ramblings here and want to help me out please let me know and I'll send you a copy.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Finally


woman typing at desk Pictures, Images and Photos 

I've always loved writing but the thought of writing an actual book seemed so farfetched. I mean I don't directly know anyone who has written an actual book. But my highschool english teacher once told me "There are 26 letters in the English alphabet, and those 26 letters are what you use to make beauty, beauty not only from the mind, but from the heart."

For the past year I've been working on a manuscript that I hope to one day have published. I never intended to write it. At first it started of as letter to someone but I never had the guts to actually send it. With each passing day I continued to add bits and pieces to it. Stories or rather memories of the good times together, conversations we once shared, and the little moments and inside jokes. Slowly it transformed from a simple letter to a bittersweet broken love story.

Someone once asked me "Why do you write?" I write, so that so other people can identify with my life and the things I've been through. I write because all my other dreams have been shattered and writing is the only thing I have left. This manuscript may never get published, it may never become an actual book, but its a small dream come true. Finally I have written a script. So in the end I write because it makes me happy.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Confession

have a confession..


You've caused me to place a vest on my chest


And now I'm just playing the GAME.


I was WRONG, but you weren't RIGHT


This is gonna be the last time I will admit I still LOVE you.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

I'm hopeless

Nobody understands how much I miss you,
I miss how we laughed,
And I miss all those things we used to do.
I try not to admit to myself
That I still feel this way,
Nobody knows I still wake up
Thinking of you each day,
I fight every urge to call you,
But I really do miss you.
If only you missed me too.
I would give everything I have
To be everything we're NOT..






I love the power of music.  I find it amazing that an artist can sing a song that totally explains exactly how your feeling at the exact moment. 

Monday, September 21, 2009

Light Switch Pictures, Images and Photos

Sometimes I wish there was an emotional switch.  Wouldn't that come in handy?  TO be able to control ones emotions.  Life would be much simplier and drama free.  They say experience makes you stronger, but there are some exeriences I would rather just not go through.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Confusion

He asked me to marry him today..

I don't know what to do.

I love him, I'm just NOT in love with him.

I was a long time ago, and I keep telling myself in time I WILL again

I can't help the way I feel.

Sometimes I think I'll NEVER be satisified..

Thursday, September 17, 2009

REAL friends

real thing Pictures, Images and Photos

We meet so many different people over the years. Some we become close friends with, some not so much, and othere kind of just walk in and out of our lives without us noticng. We get attached to certain people and we share a special bond with them that is unbreakable or so we think. Over the past few days I have learned who my real friends are and who just talk the talk.

It's been a rough and complicated week, but I truely believe there was some sort of higher power in all of this weeks events. Sometimes out of anger and frustration we act irrationallly and do things in haste. We end up doing things we wouldn't do under normal circumstances. (or maybe thats just me. IDK) I have tried my best not to let the petty little things get to me, but I can only take so much. It's hard not to snap when a person is purposely pushing your buttons and getting on your last nerve and there's nothing you can do about it.

It's in times when we fuck up pretty bad and your completely lost and scared when you find out who your real friends are. The ones who really have your back no matter what, and not the ones who say they do and end up being completely useless. We all do stupid things from time to time but when you have friends who open your eyes, and hug you to let you know things will be okay, and go out of their way to help you knowing they too could get into trouble, everything will be okay.

With this said, I have come to the conclusion that maybe its just about that time to cut those other so-called friends out of my life. Why hold on to a friendship that is no longer sturdy anymore. Why invest the time or patience listening to someone who isn't willing to do the same for you?  Some may say I'm being a little irrational, but frankly, life is to short, to be wasting time on people you can't count on.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

I've Learned

A birth certificate shows that we were born,  a death certificate shows that we died, pictures show that we lived, and experience makes us stronger. I Believe that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had, and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated. This is a list of some of the life lessons I've learned so far.

I've learned...That just because two people argue, doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do love each other.

I've learned... That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I've learned... That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I've learned... That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance.

I've learned.... That you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I've learned.... That it's going to take me a long time to become the person I want to be, but the experiences will be worth it.

I've learned..... That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I've learned... That you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I've learned.... That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I've learned.... That either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I've learned.... That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I've learned.... That money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I've learned.... That my best friend and I can do anything, or nothing, and have the best time.

I've learned....What it feels like to have your heart broken and to break someones you loves heart. The latter is the worse of the two.

I've learned...... That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

I've learned.... That although at times I have the right to be angry, it that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I've learned.... That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I've learned... That 2 people can come from opposite worlds and still have alot in common.
I've learned.... That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I've learned.... That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, But we are responsible for who we become.

I've learned.... That just because a relationship is over, it doesn't mean you still can't be the best of friends.

I've learned..... That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life Forever.

I've learned..... Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I've learned... That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I've learned... That even when you think you have no more to give, if a friend cries out to you....you will find the strength to help.

I've learned..... That credentials on the wall and the rank on your collar do not make you a decent human being.

I've learned.... That the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

I've learned.... If you love someone you want them to be happy even if it's not with you.

I've learned... The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Sorry to have met you

Day by day
I sit here contemplating
I guess THEY were RIGHT
And our love wasn't meant to be

I guess I always blamed you,
And as of now I always will.
I overlooked it once or twice
Because I thought we were IT.
But obviously it doesn't matter
And the jokes on me.

It really doesnt matter
Cuz in the end I'm the stupid one.
who sacrificed and Lost myself
Lesson learned the hard way I guess
But Thank you for teaching me
Never to let emotions get the best of me.

I was wrong
But you ain't right.
And I wonder what it would be like
If you never walked in my life.
The Things I would have accomplished
The dream I would have achieved
It seems to me that every song I hear,
Makes me realize
IM SORRY TO HAVE MET YOU!!!!

Friday, August 28, 2009

Last song

With each passing day, I find it harder and harder to believe the timing of all this. Hopefully at the end of this week I'll figure out what he next step is. Anyways this is the last of the songs I've written. I still don't have a title for it. Leave a comment if you have any good ideas


Verse 1:

As the days go by
Faster than the clouds in the sky
I wonder why this happening
And how can this be?
As I hear your voice
Softly calling my name
I remember the way
That you kiss me
And....

Chorus:
I think I'm falling
Maybe I'm falling
Yeah I think I'm falling
Baby I'm falling for you

Verse 2:
I wanna tell you
That you're the one
I'm thinking of
But now I'm leaving
And it seems so unfair
Maybe one day
We'll be together
But...

Chorus:
I think I'm falling
Maybe I'm falling
Yeah I think I'm falling
Baby I'm falling for you

Verse 3:
From the first time
You laid your lips on mine
It feels like the smile on my face
Will last till the end of time
My mind tells me no
But my heart only says that it is you.
Cuz

Chorus:
I think I'm falling
Maybe I'm falling
Yeah I think I'm falling
Baby I'm falling for you

Verse 4:
I remember that very first night
It was love at first sight
You've shown me how to be happy
And what life is all about
I hate that I'm leaving,
How can this be?
But baby....

Chorus:
I think I'm falling
Maybe I'm falling
Yeah I think I'm falling
Baby I'm falling for you

I think I'm falling....
Baby I'm falling for you.....

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

If only

Hey guys. Around June I drifted back to my high school days and started writing lyrics again :). None of that hardcore metallic headbashing stuff anymore, that's a phase I'm glad to say I'm over. It's more mellow and chill. Since I havent had the time to sit down and write anything, I decided for the next few blogs I will be posting lyrics to the songs I wrote. I can't sing to save my life, but Lemme know what you think.. "This one is entitled "if only"

Verse 1:

I found an old picture last night,
You had a smile on your face.
We seemed so happy back then. (back then)
I thought together we would conquer the world,
And nothing could stop us.
Now it has disappeared,
And I wish you were still here

Chorus:

If only for one last time
I wish I could put a smile on your face,
So my last memeory of seeing you,
Wouldn't be you walking away angrily.
If only for one last time
I wish I could hold you,
Just like it used to be.
If only for one last time
I wish I could kiss you,
Before you say goodbye.

Verse 2:

I wonder how you are doing.
Are you happy again?
Do you ever think of me
Or the good times we shared?
Am I just another memory that has faded away?
Now that it has disappered,
Do you regret being with me?

Chorus:

If only for one last time
I wish I could put a smile on your face,
So my last memeory of seeing you,
Wouldn't be you walking away angrily.
If only for one last time
I wish I could hold you,
Just like it used to be.
If only for one last time
I wish I could kiss you,
Before you say goodbye.

I can't even close my eyes to sleep at night(cuz ur on my mind.)
Counting all the days that have gone by,(Missing you more and more)
This is not the way it's suppose to be (no no no)
I never dreamed you would be with someone else.
It killing me slowly everyday.
I know I've been replaced,
Does he put a smile on your pretty face?
Has he cleared all your dark clouds
And made you happy again?

Chorus:

If only for one last time
I wish I could put a smile on your face,
So my last memeory of seeing you,
Wouldn't be you walking away angrily.
If only for one last time I wish I could hold you,
Just like it used to be.
If only for one last time
I wish I could kiss you,
Before you say goodbye.

Oooohhhhh If only for one last time....
If only for one last time....

Until I Return

This is a song I wrote for someone new in my life. I don't think I could ever bring myself to tell him how I really feel. The timing of all this just sucks. Thanks Uncle Sam, you fucking bastard. gggrrr...


Verse 1:

It's only been weeks since we've been acquainted, but it feels like I've known you forever. It's what I feel deep inside of my soul. And I really hate that I have to go. But you know I don't have much of a choice. I know how you must be feelin' right now... But baby just kiss me one last time... before I go...

Chorus:

It's hard to say goodbye to a love that just won't stay... hold them one last time before they slip away... what else can you do, but tell them how you feel and say I'll be missing you until the day you come back into my life... I've been hurting so bad for so long, you took that pain away and I'll be missing you until I return...

Verse 2:

I don't know why we didn't meet sooner, I guess that's just the way life goes... but who knows a couple years from now, we might meet in the future and reminisce on the past, I hope someday somehow we'll end up being together... (together) (together)

Bridge:

This is what I have to say... Don't let me go, don't say goodbye, don't say it's so... I need you in my life don't say we're through I'll be thinking of you... I'll be waiting till the day that we meet again. (meet again)

Chorus:

It's hard to say goodbye to a love that just won't stay... hold them one last time before they slip away... what else can you do, but tell them how you feel and say I'll be missing you until the day you come back into my life... I've been hurting so bad for so long, you took that pain away and I'll be missing you until I return...

Until I return...
Until I return..

Friday, August 21, 2009

ecstacy

take me downwith you.
into sleepless nights
and forbidden whispered places.
dream with me,
of sorrows yet untold
and secrets of the past.
I want you to know Me.
like never ever before.
and Ill scream with you
howl at the moon
and breathe incantations into the stars.
We'll be like gypsies but with no hearts.
Let me give you pain.
Like youve never imagined or even feltbefore
.And i'll whisper sweet nothings into the night
as you beg me to only keep going.
just a minute longer
i'll shower you with ecstasy
and you'll bury yourself with in me.
again.like we used to...like i need too...

Sunday, August 9, 2009

we just happened

I wrote this while playing my guitar. Unfortunately I can't sing to save my life...

One drop comes from your eye, am I suppose to weep because you cry? Your wear your heart on your sleeve, and still you wonder why. You say I'm cold hearted and self destructive. Well don't worry cause we're done, never fixed, not even in your wildest dreams.

It was fun while it lasted, but I ain't gonna lie, this thing you call love, is nothing but a phase. There's only one who has my heart, unfortunatley it's not you. Your just another pawn in this game of chess, as I learn to forget her.

You're planning our future, but I don't see you in mine. I'm not looking for Mr. Right its Mr. RIGHT NOW. No promises of a happy future, or this is forever cause when it comes down to it, I'll break your heart any day of the week.

It was fun while it lasted, but I ain't gonna lie, this thing you call love, is nothing but a phase. There's only one who has my heart, unfortunatley it's not you. Your just another pawn in this game of chess, as I learn to forget her.


Why are you still crying asking how heartless can I be? Why are you trying to preserve the dead remains? Say your last words and discard your tears, cuz baby we weren't meant to be.. We just happened..

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Yet Again

Love is a feeling made of complex emotions. Lust, caring, romance, and intimacy all play a major role in the state known as being "in love". It is part need, part want, and part uncertainty.

Another relationship down the drain. How is it I always find myself in these situations? It seems I continue not to only ruin relationships, but friendships as well. Sometimes, I wonder if I will ever be capable of loving someone genuinely before it's to late and I loose them forever.

My last attempt at commitment ended horribly and the month following it I found myself lonelier than ever. In many ways I am a creature of comfort and after having a person by my side, almost attached at the hip, it felt so different being alone. Even when I had people around me, I still felt like a piece of me was missing.

I guess it was unfair of me to jump into the relationship with **********. I knew I wasn't ready for another monogomous relationship. There were so many things going on with me emotionally that the security of having someone to call mine was comforting. The idea that she could easily get over me and find someone else urged me to do the same.

Some may say it's selfish but I really did believe that with enough time I would learn to love him. I'm not sad that the relationship is over, but I do feel horrible, because yet again I have a ruined another friendship. I think it's time I stop dating friends. Some lines are better left uncrossed.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Broken Record

Remember and Forget

The endless sunset becomes the altered sadness,
The sky's colors fade as night becomes one with the moon,
The eyes of the sky are the stars ,
They look down on me...

Then here comes the part where I remember the past,
I feel the cold wind,and as my hair flows with it.
It caresses my face...
The tears come as one together...

These feelings remind me of a broken record.
I hold myself together,but I'm still crumbling...
I hide myself among the night..
I become the shadow..
I stand beneath this dead tree.
The answer is clear..
Its not the same..

Monday, July 27, 2009

Writing

Writing has always been my escape. A little piece of me that I can't seem to express to people for some unbenounce reason to me. I guess mostly because I don't want people to think I'm depressed or weak. I find I have to put a front that I'm happy and whatnot so people won't pry.

I'm one of those people who never know what to say in situations where my friends are hurting. I listen intently, and want nothing more than to make everything right for them. I wish I could think of the right things to say, something to make them smile, but most of the time I find myself speechless.

I think about the times in my life when I was going through something rough. As a kid, I used to write how I felt in a journal kept kidden from everyone in my house. As a teenager, I would get stoned and write lyrics to songs I would never sing. Years later I would find myself drinking, smoking, cutting, mixing whatever drugs I could get my hands on, and almost overdosing a few times. No matter what I was going through, writing was always my stress card in a way/ The one way I could let it all out without anyone judging me, pitying me, diagonising me, or pretending to care. It's genuine and that may be the very reason I find myself writing again.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Dear Bear

Dearest Bear,

It’s now 3:19 in the morning. It was 3 weeks since my last drink but tonight I needed to forget and pretend everything was okay. I'm fighting the urge to call you. I am unable to get to sleep and for some reason my mind automatically think of you and what you're going through.

I know it sounds silly really to let my mind think of you and start writing this letter. But when there is still love, there will always be fondness and thoughts of the person you love. So, here I am thinking of you in the middle of the night when I should be fast asleep in bed.

I know you don't love me anymore and I think I have gotten used to the idea that you will never be part of my life again like how it used to be. But it doesn’t mean that I don’t long for those happy days. Neither does it mean that I don’t wish for those magical moments to reappear.

After all, what has passed cannot be recaptured. What remain are mere memories. Perhaps with time, the memories will fade and you will appear less and less in my thoughts. But when that will be and how long it takes before my mind will think of something or someone else, only God knows. It is a rough ride and I don’t like it but neither can I do anything about it. This feeling of loving and missing someone but at the same time, knowing that it has all come to an end is not exactly a comfortable feeling in my heart.

Toninght all I could think about was what we talked about yesterday. I wish I could hold you and tell you everything is going to be okay. I wish I could make your heartbreak go away. I wish I could hold your hand and assure you that your going to make it through this, because your alot stronger than you think, and I know if you decided to, you'll be an awesome parent. There's so many things I wish I could say, but I know it's not my place, so I sit here and type the words I will never have the courage to say.

Thinking of you always,
Jen

Saturday, July 25, 2009

The Dark Side of Jen

This is something I wrote at the beginning of this year. I still find it hard to beleive I found myself in such a dark place. I used to be such a happy person, "HIGH ON LIFE" per say. I thought coming home and meeting someone would help put things into perspective. In a way it has but as I think of those months when I was at my lowest point, I realize no one was there and no one cared. The very people I called friends, were the same people who were helping me dig myself deepeer and deeper into depression. I know now that I can't depend on anyone but me. Never again will I allow my emotions to take over me.

Here it is..

I force my eyes from my forearms and look at the girl before me. I don't even know who she is anymore. Dark circles surround her bloodshot eyes and her wavy black hair is a mess of knots. Just looking at her disgusts me. She's so stupid, so ugly, so completely and utterly useless. The clothes she wears do nothing to hide the disgusting body of hers. Red drips off her fingers as blood oozes from the fresh new cuts. Suddenly, a wave of emotions wash over me. Sadness, despair, jealousy course through my body, only to disappear the next second, pushed out of the way by anger. I grit my teeth and reach for the nearest object, my bloodied knife. Using all my strength, I hurl it at the girl before me. The blade strikes through and stickes in the wall. Glass cracks and falls to the floor taking the image of with it. Tears flow down my face and I fall to my knees, sinking into oblivion.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Love said "GOODBYE"

In the beginning,
love was beautiful,
The sun shone,
and the moon smiled,
And all of earth was kind.
I cared nothing for what tomorrow would bring,
But tomorrow came,and is now yesterday.
Now the rain is falling,
and as I listen,
I realize I've lost love,
Why did it say goodbye.

Is life in the rain?
Can love be found in storm?
Even when we were alone,
There was love beside us,
But now there is no laughter in sorrow,
And dreams no longer fly.
Love has said goodbye.

Now I am lost and wandering,
Searching for the mystery of a life that eludes me,
Darkness clouds the pathway before me,
And twilight is falling fast.
Is this the nighttime of the earth?
How shall I go on even though,
Love has said goodbye?

Slowly the music plays,
We both have parted ways.
Deep within the sea,
High among the stars,
Perhaps Ill find love again.
But tears still fall like rain,
And sorrow rages like a river.

Turn around again,
Find yourself in a place of light,
This is what love was like.
Cherish the fleeting moment before it ends,
Dream of what can be before it begins.
I will wonder again,
Why did love say goodbye?

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Inner turmoil

Sitting, starring day and night,
Hoping that she appears,
She closes her eyes and tries to dream,
But tears get in her way,
The feeling is to strong to fight,
It's taking over here tonight.

It's stronger than she ever felt,
She wishes the inner turmoil would just come out,
She opens her eyes takes a deep breath and swallows,
Speaking only the truth she stands and she says,
I know what I want for the rest of my days,
But in life we rarely get what we want.

So she turns her head and walks away,
Tears glisten in her eyes,
Because she knows her chance went by,
Trying hard to turn the feelings off,
Inner turmoil strikes once more,
Then black laced the tears all slowly fall.

She doesn't want to let her go at all,
She understands,
She lost her chance,
And now her heart belongs to a man,
She takes the blow and walks away,
Knowing she will never forget that day.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Searching

I tried my hardest, but I have failed to reach the binding spell called love. I've searched and searched but have not found the pathway of life to which I am bound. It's a narrow way on a winding road,a path in which I've longed to go. I've yearned for a love that will never end; just hoping it's around the bend. A love that will last for eternity no matter how long that journey may be.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

I miss

I miss your eyes,
Your loving gaze.
I miss your smile,
A memory in mind.

I miss the way,
You made me laugh,
I miss the way it felt,
When you were in my arms.

I miss the soft touch,
Of the love we shared.
I miss the way it felt,
When I was with you.

I miss being together,
I wish it was forever.
But now your gone,
And no one can compare.

I'll always love you,
Forever and always.
I grew to attached to you,
And now I can't let go.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Lonely

This is something I write a long time ago but I feel this way again. It's funny how I always end up back at square 1. Sometimes I think I'll never learn this game called LOVE..


Sitting alone again this night,
Not another person is around.
Feeling silence overtaking me,
Not hearing a single sound.

Loneliness seeps into my heart,
Tears running down my face,
Needing someone with me tonight,
Comfort of knowing I'm safe.

When I'm all by myself,
Thoughts in my mind race,
Thinking of times with you,
Trying to find a happy place.

The quite really pains me,
When nothing is what I hear,
Needing the sound of your voice,
Being alone is my biggest fear.

Trying to get through the night,
Just knowing nobody is there,
Waiting on the sun to rise.

Monday, June 8, 2009

The letter

I know it's over,
And it's never gonna get better,
I don't want anyone else but you,
So I write you my final letter.

Should my heart stop beating,
I want you to know,
I love you,
And can't seem to let go.

It's pushing me down,
Into this hole,
The things I see,
The dreams of you.

My mind should be free,
Instead I'm trapped in old memories,
With no way to cope,
And no sense of hope.

I thought time and distance,
Would help to ease the pain,
But with each passing day,
I still cry everytime it rains.

I hope your doing great without me,
But I'm miserable without you.
8 months have passed,
Yet I'm still stuck on you.

I got this feeling down deep in my soul,
That I just can't seem to move.
I can't live like this,
It's not suppose to hurt anymore.

So I think about our happy moments,
As I lay my head one last time,
But I wanted you to know,
Up until my last breath,
I never stopped loving you.

Missing you

In the morning when I wake up,
And I open my eyes,
I feel an aching in my heart,
And that's when I realize.

How much I really miss you,
And long to have you near.
My heart is filled with sadness,
And my eyes are filled with tears.

At different times throughout the day,
I find I'm missing you,
And I can't help but wonder,
If your missing me too.

I think it's safe to say,
That I miss you very much,
And my heart will never be the same,
Since it suffered Cupid's touch.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Don't love me yet

Do not love me yet, for I
Am still a slender moon,
A scimitar about the heart
Too sharp to touch too soon.

Before I'm touched I need to grow
More full in golden light;
I need to smile upon my earth
And rule some patch of night.

I need to know what roads and fields
Lie in my domain
And dull my brand new ecstasies
With sophomoric pain.

I need the love of some blank boy
As cold and dark as me,
That we might grope in ignorance
And fear of what might be.

And then when I'm a silver bowl
And know what I can hold,
Then, then, perhaps, we could try love
If you are not too old.

WHY?

missing you Pictures, Images and Photos


Why can't I speak when I have so much to tell?
Why can't I write when I have so much in mind?
Why can't I sing when there's music in my heart?
Why can't I dance when there's rythm in the air?

Too many words left unspoken
Too many things left undone
Why can't it be and why can't I?
For all I know this pain deep inside
Took the gladness from my heart.

Is this the pain of missing you?
Is this the reason behind it all?

Hear the agony of my heart
Longing for you and for your touch
Feeling your lips, feeling your face
Missing your kisses and warm embrace.

When will the waiting ever be over?
For as long as were apart I can never be whole
Oh! My Dearest Love
I just want you to know
That my heart is aching because
"I'M MISSING YOU!"

Monday, May 4, 2009

new motto

High Passion + Low Emotion = Mindless FUN

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Rain

puddle Pictures, Images and Photos

I love it when it rains
cause nobody can see me cry
I love to go and play in the rain
cause it taste so good

I love going out and sitting in the rain
for the sound soothes my soul.
I love watching the rain
for it relaxes my mind.

I love the rain
It makes me feel like I'm alive.
But most importantly
I love the rain
cause no one can tell
that I'm......

MISSING YOU...

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Friday, April 3, 2009

I Regret..




You may never read this but...

I regret that you're the one.
and I regret that I had you wrapped around my finger for so long,
and I didn't even know it.
I regret that now you're in love with someone else,
and I'm stuck pretending I love my boyfriend.
when we both know that I don't.
I regret that I'm leading him on,
simply because I don't wanna be alone.
but mostly, I regret that I'm in love with you ...
and there's absolutely nothing i can do about it.

I regret that I didn't fight for you. I let you walk out of my life and now I want nothing more than for you to walk right back into it. Now your with her and I'm alone. I'm trying my best to stay friends with you because its what you wanted but its so hard. You tell me you miss and that I'm a great person but how am I supposed to believe that when you can also tell me that you don't want to be with me? I regret that you can't see that I still love you. You think I'm doing fine but really I'm dying inside. Why can't you see this smile on my face is covering up my tears? I regret that I'm not strong enough to not be friends with you.

I regret that moment of silence, when you told me to tell you what was on my mind. I regret staying quiet, biting away my tears, not wanting you to see it was killing me too. I regret that moment between when I had you and when I didn't, because it's been months and I can't stop thinking about it.

I regret staying quiet in the last moments that you loved me, I took them for granted and I thought I wouldn't miss you. I regret that moment when you walked away, how I was fully capable of running after you, and having a teary reunion in the middle of the street, because I dream about it every night. I regret letting you go, I shouldn't have. I keep telling myself it was the right decision but it wasn't. I regret everything, I regret this life I'm living without you.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Numb

Stuck in a world of darkness.
A prisoner of my mind.
Searching for a way out,
But lost in translation.
Deeper and deeper I dig myself
Into this whole with no escape.

Each pull, each hit, every drink, every pill
Starts to numb the pain away.
As my thoughts begin to wander,
Everything fades away like a bitter memory.

But it doesn't last as long anymore.
Up the dosage, more pulls,
Take more, mix them all together.
Whatever it takes to be numb again.

I sit in the corner as the familiar feeling sinks in.
Paralyzing my emotions,
As I lose sense of reality.
Forgetting the pain, the sorrow, the regret.