Pieces

I've know for quite awhile now that I've lost my way. I'm trying to put the pieces together, but I don't know how. I feel like I'm at the lowest point in my life with nowhere else to go but up. As I lay my head at another attempt to go go to sleep, questions fill my mind. The Insomniac has nothing better to do. I contemplate the last 3 years of my life and how I have drastically changed. (Sadly not for the better) Each day it seems my dreams are shifting, changing, and slowling drifting away. I see myself changing, becoming everything I swore I wouldn't be, and yet I can't stop myself. How the child I was would be disappointed in the adult I've become.

I have managed to screw up everything that was going well in my life, and can't seem to pick up the broken pieces. I thought I was unhappy and wanted more, but I've found myself deeper in this hole of depression with nothing. I have lost everything close to me. Who is this person I've become? Who is this Monster? All the drinking, the drugs, the partying, the sex, it's all so not like me. But they help me to ease the pain. It's better to be NUMB than to feel nothing but PAIN. Atleast it won't hurt so much.

But what do you do when you are the source of that pain for someone else. How do you stop the heart ache that you've caused? How do you make it all better? The answer is you can't. Only time will heal the pain, but even with tiime, the memories will always linger. Sometime we go chasing dreams and memories, avoiding what lies in front of us. It's a terrible day, when you wake up and realize you've Hurt the one person who saved you from all the pain you once had. The drinking, the drugs, the partying, the craziness. It's not who I used to be, but it is who I have become. I realized that I have become one of THEM. I have becom a member of the enemy. They are now my allies. They keep me happy, even if it's only temporary, because I can't keep happiness for myself, I seem to be an expert at screwing things up.