Yet Again

Love is a feeling made of complex emotions. Lust, caring, romance, and intimacy all play a major role in the state known as being "in love". It is part need, part want, and part uncertainty.

Another relationship down the drain. How is it I always find myself in these situations? It seems I continue not to only ruin relationships, but friendships as well. Sometimes, I wonder if I will ever be capable of loving someone genuinely before it's to late and I loose them forever.

My last attempt at commitment ended horribly and the month following it I found myself lonelier than ever. In many ways I am a creature of comfort and after having a person by my side, almost attached at the hip, it felt so different being alone. Even when I had people around me, I still felt like a piece of me was missing.

I guess it was unfair of me to jump into the relationship with **********. I knew I wasn't ready for another monogomous relationship. There were so many things going on with me emotionally that the security of having someone to call mine was comforting. The idea that she could easily get over me and find someone else urged me to do the same.

Some may say it's selfish but I really did believe that with enough time I would learn to love him. I'm not sad that the relationship is over, but I do feel horrible, because yet again I have a ruined another friendship. I think it's time I stop dating friends. Some lines are better left uncrossed.

Broken Record

Remember and Forget

The endless sunset becomes the altered sadness,
The sky's colors fade as night becomes one with the moon,
The eyes of the sky are the stars ,
They look down on me...

Then here comes the part where I remember the past,
I feel the cold wind,and as my hair flows with it.
It caresses my face...
The tears come as one together...

These feelings remind me of a broken record.
I hold myself together,but I'm still crumbling...
I hide myself among the night..
I become the shadow..
I stand beneath this dead tree.
The answer is clear..
Its not the same..

Writing

Writing has always been my escape. A little piece of me that I can't seem to express to people for some unbenounce reason to me. I guess mostly because I don't want people to think I'm depressed or weak. I find I have to put a front that I'm happy and whatnot so people won't pry.

I'm one of those people who never know what to say in situations where my friends are hurting. I listen intently, and want nothing more than to make everything right for them. I wish I could think of the right things to say, something to make them smile, but most of the time I find myself speechless.

I think about the times in my life when I was going through something rough. As a kid, I used to write how I felt in a journal kept kidden from everyone in my house. As a teenager, I would get stoned and write lyrics to songs I would never sing. Years later I would find myself drinking, smoking, cutting, mixing whatever drugs I could get my hands on, and almost overdosing a few times. No matter what I was going through, writing was always my stress card in a way/ The one way I could let it all out without anyone judging me, pitying me, diagonising me, or pretending to care. It's genuine and that may be the very reason I find myself writing again.

Dear Bear

Dearest Bear,

It’s now 3:19 in the morning. It was 3 weeks since my last drink but tonight I needed to forget and pretend everything was okay. I'm fighting the urge to call you. I am unable to get to sleep and for some reason my mind automatically think of you and what you're going through.

I know it sounds silly really to let my mind think of you and start writing this letter. But when there is still love, there will always be fondness and thoughts of the person you love. So, here I am thinking of you in the middle of the night when I should be fast asleep in bed.

I know you don't love me anymore and I think I have gotten used to the idea that you will never be part of my life again like how it used to be. But it doesn’t mean that I don’t long for those happy days. Neither does it mean that I don’t wish for those magical moments to reappear.

After all, what has passed cannot be recaptured. What remain are mere memories. Perhaps with time, the memories will fade and you will appear less and less in my thoughts. But when that will be and how long it takes before my mind will think of something or someone else, only God knows. It is a rough ride and I don’t like it but neither can I do anything about it. This feeling of loving and missing someone but at the same time, knowing that it has all come to an end is not exactly a comfortable feeling in my heart.

Toninght all I could think about was what we talked about yesterday. I wish I could hold you and tell you everything is going to be okay. I wish I could make your heartbreak go away. I wish I could hold your hand and assure you that your going to make it through this, because your alot stronger than you think, and I know if you decided to, you'll be an awesome parent. There's so many things I wish I could say, but I know it's not my place, so I sit here and type the words I will never have the courage to say.

Thinking of you always,
Jen

The Dark Side of Jen

This is something I wrote at the beginning of this year. I still find it hard to beleive I found myself in such a dark place. I used to be such a happy person, "HIGH ON LIFE" per say. I thought coming home and meeting someone would help put things into perspective. In a way it has but as I think of those months when I was at my lowest point, I realize no one was there and no one cared. The very people I called friends, were the same people who were helping me dig myself deepeer and deeper into depression. I know now that I can't depend on anyone but me. Never again will I allow my emotions to take over me.

Here it is..

I force my eyes from my forearms and look at the girl before me. I don't even know who she is anymore. Dark circles surround her bloodshot eyes and her wavy black hair is a mess of knots. Just looking at her disgusts me. She's so stupid, so ugly, so completely and utterly useless. The clothes she wears do nothing to hide the disgusting body of hers. Red drips off her fingers as blood oozes from the fresh new cuts. Suddenly, a wave of emotions wash over me. Sadness, despair, jealousy course through my body, only to disappear the next second, pushed out of the way by anger. I grit my teeth and reach for the nearest object, my bloodied knife. Using all my strength, I hurl it at the girl before me. The blade strikes through and stickes in the wall. Glass cracks and falls to the floor taking the image of with it. Tears flow down my face and I fall to my knees, sinking into oblivion.

Love said "GOODBYE"

In the beginning,
love was beautiful,
The sun shone,
and the moon smiled,
And all of earth was kind.
I cared nothing for what tomorrow would bring,
But tomorrow came,and is now yesterday.
Now the rain is falling,
and as I listen,
I realize I've lost love,
Why did it say goodbye.

Is life in the rain?
Can love be found in storm?
Even when we were alone,
There was love beside us,
But now there is no laughter in sorrow,
And dreams no longer fly.
Love has said goodbye.

Now I am lost and wandering,
Searching for the mystery of a life that eludes me,
Darkness clouds the pathway before me,
And twilight is falling fast.
Is this the nighttime of the earth?
How shall I go on even though,
Love has said goodbye?

Slowly the music plays,
We both have parted ways.
Deep within the sea,
High among the stars,
Perhaps Ill find love again.
But tears still fall like rain,
And sorrow rages like a river.

Turn around again,
Find yourself in a place of light,
This is what love was like.
Cherish the fleeting moment before it ends,
Dream of what can be before it begins.
I will wonder again,
Why did love say goodbye?

Inner turmoil

Sitting, starring day and night,
Hoping that she appears,
She closes her eyes and tries to dream,
But tears get in her way,
The feeling is to strong to fight,
It's taking over here tonight.

It's stronger than she ever felt,
She wishes the inner turmoil would just come out,
She opens her eyes takes a deep breath and swallows,
Speaking only the truth she stands and she says,
I know what I want for the rest of my days,
But in life we rarely get what we want.

So she turns her head and walks away,
Tears glisten in her eyes,
Because she knows her chance went by,
Trying hard to turn the feelings off,
Inner turmoil strikes once more,
Then black laced the tears all slowly fall.

She doesn't want to let her go at all,
She understands,
She lost her chance,
And now her heart belongs to a man,
She takes the blow and walks away,
Knowing she will never forget that day.

Searching

I tried my hardest, but I have failed to reach the binding spell called love. I've searched and searched but have not found the pathway of life to which I am bound. It's a narrow way on a winding road,a path in which I've longed to go. I've yearned for a love that will never end; just hoping it's around the bend. A love that will last for eternity no matter how long that journey may be.